Never Let This Go
by BernieR
Summary: What exactly was going through Bella's mind when Jacob first told her they can't be friends anymore? This is a oneshot that takes place during New Moon, starts at the bottom of pg 272 of the book. It's an extended version of what is going on in her mind


******First off, let me just state that I am in no way claiming to own the wonderful characters of the Twilight saga, they all belong to the wonderfully talented Stephanie Meyer. (Though I do secretly wished I owned Edward Cullen, oh wait, that WASN'T a secret, lol!) Anyhow, as another side note, all the italicized portions of this one shot are direct quotes from New Moon, so please don't sue.******

_"I'm sorry Bella," he said again; this time it was a broken mumble. He turned and almost ran into the house._

If it hadn't been for the slamming of the door behind him, I'm sure I could have heard the sound of my heart shattering. Although I knew the feeling all too well, it didn't stop the ache I felt, knowing that I was losing one of the people I cared about most in the whole world.

Who knows how long I stood there motionless, but as I came out of my stupor, I realized it had gotten dark. It was also raining, and I was soaked to the bone.

_Billy rolled his chair into the door frame. I could see no one behind him._

_"Charlie just called, Bella. I told him you were on your way home." His eyes were full of pity._

As I got in the car, I felt another sudden sharp ache flare up again in my chest. It was excruciatingly unbearable. How much of a terrible person was I to have lost two people whom I loved. I secretly wished that I had crashed worse the first time I had gotten on my motorcycle. Hoped that I was dead instead of having to go through the hurt not only twice, but intensified. Then I could have died and had my last moments of life filled with the sound of Edward's velvet voice in my mind.

I desperately tried to pull myself together on the drive home. I knew Charlie would be waiting for me, and as soon as he saw the look on my face, I knew he would be worried for me again.

What would I say to him? I wasn't sure what Billy had told him over the phone, so the best thing to do was tell him the truth; that Jacob and I weren't friends anymore. Would he send me to Jacksonville? How could I go and leave the last place that my soul seemed drawn to? Even without Edward here, I felt connected to this miserable little town.

I pulled into the driveway and the truck's headlights illuminated a figure standing on the porch. My heart gave a sudden leap hoping that somehow it was Jake waiting for me, asking me to forgive him; that he really did want to be friends still. Another part of me yearned for it to be Edward, back from wherever it was he had gone, and wanting to take me with him. Anywhere, as long as we were together.

But it wasn't, it was just Charlie. And by the look on his face, I could tell Billy had told him something about what had happened. Sure enough, as I got out of the cab, he asked me what the fight Jacob and I had, was about, and if I was ok. I could see the worry in his eyes.

I quickly tried to tell him what I could, what I knew Charlie would be able to handle anyway. Why bring up that Jake blamed the Cullens for this whole madness. A ridiculous notion, I still couldn't figure out how they were both connected. Maybe he was tired of trying to convince me that everything was alright; that I could live without Edward. Or maybe Jacob WAS just jealous of Edward; jealous of the love I felt for Edward still, even after he broke my heart and put me in my emotional slump in the first place. Or jealous because I loved Edward in spite of the fact that he was a vampire. It was ridiculous for him to start believing Billy's superstitions now, even if they WERE true.

Once I escaped Charlie and had taken a quick shower, I headed for my room. I didn't even turn on the lights as I walked in, closing the door behind me, and headed for my bed. I sat there in silence. I wanted to sleep, but my body was in such shock, it didn't want to rest. I couldn't stop replaying the conversation in my mind.

_"Go home, Bella. I can't hang out with you anymore."_

_"Are you… breaking up with me?" The words where all wrong, but they were the best way I could think to phrase what I was asking._

_He barked out a bitter laugh. "Hardly. If that were the case, I'd say 'Let's stay friends.' I can't even say that."_

_"Jacob… why? Sam won't let you have other friends? Please, Jake. You promised. I need you!"_

As soon as the words had escaped my lips I knew I had been selfish. I knew I had no right to act that way. It was in that moment that the other reason had occurred to me, why the next words had fallen out of my mouth.

_"I'm sorry that I couldn't… before… I wish I could change how I feel about you, Jacob. Maybe, if you gave me some time… just don't quit on me now, Jake. I can't take it."_

How could I convey to him how much I loved and really cared about him. How much I had depended on him in the past few months. He was the one that was keeping me alive, keeping me whole. Without him I was lost.

How do you tell someone you cared about them so much, loved them like a brother, but nothing more? That all I wanted was to be with him, not wanting to be alone in the emptiness of my heart. Jacob had begun to fill the void left by Edward; that alone had been the reason I was still going. Now that he didn't want to spend time with me anymore, the hole was beginning to open up again, followed by one he was making of his own.

In the past few hours, it was already becoming difficult to look back at everything Jake had done for me, what he meant to me and all the good times we had. All those moments of laughter were beginning to fade into a distant memory. Jacob had been my own personal sun, breaking through the dark clouds of Forks. I didn't want to lose the memory of his smile, as I had already begun to forget Edward's.

Anyone else would probably look at the situation and tell me to just let it go. That Jacob was right to be upset with me and that I had failed miserably as a friend. But I couldn't let it go. I just couldn't find it in my heart to just let him slip out of my life so easily. With the way he was acting, he was not himself; he wasn't my Jacob anymore. And I knew, somehow, I had to get my Jacob back. As selfish as it sounded, I needed him back to keep myself from falling to pieces and resorting to my zombie self from a couple of months ago. I stifled a yawn and finally moved the blankets aside and lay beneath them, trying to rid myself of the cold that seemed to engulf me. I just couldn't let him go.

******Ok, so that was my oneshot, I hope you liked it. This was inspired by the song Never Let This Go by Paramore. It's an awesome song, and when I first heard it, to me it so seemed to fit Bella and Jacob's relationship in New Moon. Once you hear the song, I'm sure you'll see why. I love feedback, so please let me know whatcha think. I'd really appreciate it.******


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